Hope. Belief. Naive??

We got our HSC results today. I did particularly well considering my usual reaction to exams throughout school was to run and hide. If I didn’t try, I wouldn’t get disappointed when, no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough (story of my life, ehh?). There was always someone, one person in particular, who LOVED reminding me that she’d done better. So I stopped caring. “Why bother, she’s only going to rub it in anyway. Might as well know I’m going to fail than try hard and have her rub it in?” So when it came to my HSC and the constant “You need to really work hard for this or you’ll let your class down” started to piss me off, I worked, and worked, and worked. I was going to show them I wasn’t a complete failure. That if I wanted to. I. Could. Do. It!  I went into those exams absolutely terrified that I wouldn’t be able to answer anything and let my self down once again. So, It was a pleasant surprise to get my results this morning and to see that I had passed. Not only passed but done reasonably well. Although it did take me all day to come to this conclusion, my first reaction was “Meh, could’ve done better.”
The HSC though, is the least of my worries. Ultimately it wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t passed, seeing as I had enrolled into uni on Monday and have already picked my subjects. (I guess I just needed that little confidence boost to let myself know that I need to stop putting so much pressure on my self and stop setting such high expectations. We can’t all be perfect, can we?? ) I have ‘big girl’ things to worry about now. Finding a house, a car, getting my licence, finding a job and figuring out how to survive next year. My head has been a constant battle field of questions for the last few weeks. “Where am I supposed to live? I’m too stubborn to live with a stranger, how the f*** am I supposed to afford rent, food, petrol and whatever other expenses that may present. I don’t even have a job”… “I don’t have my licence, let alone a car. There’s no way I can get to work and uni with no car.”  All of these questions / worries were thrown at me all at once. It was almost too good to be true when within days I had been told by a colleague that she had a studio apartment she may want to rent out next year, my host employer from my traineeship offered me a job and my brother comes across a fantastic car for sale. I was thinking “You beauty! Everything is falling into place, this will all be fine.” Of course not you idiot! 1. You didn’t think to get that ladies contact details did you? 2. The job is half an hour away from where you want to live, you havn’t got a car yet. 3. You. Have. No. Money! A loan seems impossible. Who would lend $6000+ to a student, with no financial security?
Nothing is ever simple. Nothing ever will be simple. Especially for me. Nothing has ever been easily sorted for me. Why would the universe decide to work in my favour now?
On another note, I returned to the medical ward today to discover the palliated patient I have been talking about was no longer there. I walked into the ward as usual, put my bag in the lockers as usual and, as usual, walked straight to her room. It was empty.
I didn’t ask about her, I didn’t want to. Before I finished my last shift she was considering going back to her sisters house. I am happy to continue thinking that she is there where she is comfortable and surrounded by family. I am happy to remain naive and believe this. Wether or not it is true, I pray her final days are comfortable and as pleasant as possible. She is a remarkable young lady and I will never forget her beautiful attitude and personality. It is unfortunate however, particularly on the medical ward, that you gain a connection with the patients, even if you don’t want to, and 9 times out of 10 you don’t often hear of them after they are discharged. You don’t get to find out if they got better or wether they passed on. You don’t get to hear of how they are going if they had been transferred to a nursing home. It’s kind of like watching a television show, getting interested in the story line to have it say “to be continued” and then missing the next episode. You meet a patient, You learn their medical history and throughout their care you learn about their life. You become their friend, sometimes a confidante. You sympathise and empathise with them. You comfort them. You form a bond and when they leave the medical ward all of that is lost. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes this allows you to find comfort in possibilities that they are safe, peaceful and hopefully well.
I don’t expect anything of interest to happen in my life between now and Christmas so probably wont post again for a while, So I wish you all a safe and happy Christmas and may the new year bring you all the happiness and safety that you deserve! xxx